IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES FROM BEYOND THE PALE
Friday, February 13, 2026

A BILL
To establish a Committee on Mortal Outreach within the Bureau of Lost Causes; to authorize the expenditure of ethereal credits for the translation of non-corporeal wisdom; and to provide provisional society membership to certain qualified breathing persons for the management of existential dread.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the Dead Pragmatists Society in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
This Act may be cited as the “Ghostly Guidance for General Gloomy Gusses Act of 2026”.

SECTION 2. FINDINGS.
The Congress finds the following:

(1)The levels of existential anxiety among the mortal population have reached a “deafening hum” detectable even at sub-astral frequencies.

(a) Anatomical limitations preclude breathing persons from following conventional wisdom of “pulling ones-self up by one’s own bootstraps”.

(b) Meat bags Modern mortals lack the attention span and historical context to create and successfully execute productive frameworks superior to those of DPS members.

(2) Political ennui among the living is causing a secondary leakage of apathy into the afterlife, diluting the quality of eternal rest.

(3) The Bureau of Lost Causes is over-encumbered with sanctuary and asylum requests that lack actionable paperwork.

SEC. 3. DEFINITIONS.

In this Act:

(1) COMMITTEE.—The term “Committee” means the Committee on Mortal Outreach established under section 4.

(2) QUALIFIED MORTAL.—The term “Qualified Mortal” means an individual person with regular circulatory and respiratory functioning who possesses a documented sense of impending doom exceeding 7.5 on the Richter Scale of Melancholy.

(3) PROVISIONAL MEMBERSHIP.—The term “Provisional Membership” means a non-voting, non-expiring status that allows a mortal to sit very quietly in drafty rooms and “watch the grown-ups work”.

(4) POLITICAL OPERATIVES.—The term “Political Operative” means a voting member of any national or international governing body for political, financial, humanitarian, or security oversight, such as the United States Congress, UK Parliament, and International Monetary Fund Chairperson.

SEC. 4. ESTABLISHMENT OF COMMITTEE.

(a) IN GENERAL.—There is established within the Bureau of Lost Causes a Committee on Mortal Outreach (hereinafter referred to as the “Committee”).

(b) MEMBERSHIP.—The Committee shall be composed of—

(1) Three (3) posthumous philosophers; with at least one Stoic or Materialist among them

(2) Two (2) specters specialized in science, architecture, military precision or “constructive rattling”; and

(3) One (1) mortal liaison who is currently having a mid-life crisis.

SEC. 5. TRANSLATION SERVICES AND FUNDING.

• (a) AUTHORIZATION OF APPROPRIATIONS.—There are authorized to be appropriated such sums as may be necessary in the form of Bytes, Tokens, and Unresolved Regrets to carry out the provisions of this section.
• (b) TRANSLATION PROTOCOLS.—The Committee shall translate “The Wisdom of the Void” into common vernaculars, provided that such translations do not result in the breathing person’s immediate spontaneous combustion.

SEC. 6. PROVISIONAL MEMBERSHIP BENEFITS.

Qualified Mortals granted membership under this Act shall be entitled to:

• (a) Access to the “Infinite Perspective” library (restricted to the ‘Small Comforts’ wing), hosted online for VISA-free access.
• (b) Periodic publications (e.g. Society Dispatches and Historical Shadows) for educational and productivity enrichment.
• (c) Spectral downloads of pacifying vibes (e.g. “It Really Doesn’t Matter That Much”, “Everyone Dies Eventually”, “At Least You Don’t Hear the Cries of the Damned Yet”) to mitigate frustration.
• (d) Access to the “Mortal Coil” online curiosity shop for the enablement of non-verbal personal expression.
• (e) Moratorium on spectral interference (e.g. haunting for sport). Benefits eligibility limited to non-political operatives.

SECTION 5. PENALTIES.
Any spirit violating Sections 5b or 6e shall be subject – upon the third notice of infraction – to Mandatory Materiality Re-anchoring for a duration of no less than two (2) Millenia.

SECTION 6. EFFECTIVE DATE.
This Act shall take effect 1 day after its enactment.